Lords of the Millennium Ring, by Chibi Ryou Bakura
by Darkelf
Summary: A crazy Yu-Gi-OhLoTR parody as told by the faintly psychotic Chibi Ryou.


  
Notes: CALLING ALL AUTHORS/READERS! I recently came across a fic about Bakura, which began with his life in Kuru Eruna and how his village was destroyed. In this fic was a song from a musical, the lyrics of which sounded something like "Wisdom gives wings, If I were wise, then I could have wings" or something sorta like that. If anyone knows the name of this fic, the author, or the song, please tell me. I've been searching for days. Thanks very much. Alright, now to explain some things - this fic is written by Hikage, and is going to be posted on the website she's currently making, called WILD DRIVE. It's basically about the chibis of Ryou, Bakura, Malik, Marik, and Yami, and it's a humor comic. There are a few things you need to understand before reading this fic. One is that, in the terrible dub you can get offline that was dubbed by CHINESE PEOPLE, they refer to the Rod as "The Ancient Buddhist Stick." And yes, that is very stupid. But it IS funny. Also, Ryou is something of a psycho in this. He's a chibi. So sue him. And yes, he's heard way too many Ring joke. And he hates Yugi and basically everyone else, mostly because they're either mean to him or they ignore him throughout the series. You know I'm right. Also, Kaiba is afraid of Kuribohs. Wouldn't you be? And yes, Ryou hast terrible grammar, because he's a chibi. And he doesn't really remember the story of LoTR, so he makes stuff up wherever he feels its necessary. That's why it's funny. ^_^   
-Darkelf   
  
Lords of the Millennium Ring by Ryou Bakura   
  
Starring Yugi as Frodo, Soloman as Bilbo, Ryou as Golum, Mai as Arwyn, Joey/Seto as Boromir/Aragorn (he gets them mixed up), Mako Tsunami as Gimli, Duke Devlin as Legolas, Tea as Merry, Tristan as Pippin, Mokuba as Samwise, Isis as Gandalf, Risid as Sarumon, and Malik as Lord Sauron.   
  
  
[Ryou glowers at Yugi and co., who are playing outside] Yugi's so short and stupid. Like a hobbit. A stupid, annoying, pathetic little short person. Except he isn't even fat, so he's a skinny little hobbit. A skinny little BONDAGE hobbit! Stupid Yugi. [thinks] But he can't be the Ring-bearer like that hobbit guy in the movies… that's my job. Hmm…. [Ryou grins madly to himself and sits down with a lot of paper and a box of crayons] I'm going to make a comic. Yep. I'm going to tell that Lord of the Rings story my way. Now let's see…how did that story go again? Oh yeah!!   
A long time ago, an evil guy named Lord Malik decided he wanted to rule the world. Everybody wants to rule the world! He created these Millennium Item thingies, but the Millennium Ring was the bestest one of all because it was pretty and shiny like a wind chime! He waged war with the Ring and killed a whole lot of people, and life was great! But then some guy chopped his head off and stole the Ring and ran away with it. That was mean! He eventually got possessed by the evil spirit inside the ring and became evil too. But then some ugly little goblins attacked him and he died and the Ring fell in the river. A person named Ryou found the Ring in the water and took it because it was pretty and shiny! Shiny shiny shiny! [Ryou draws sparkles all around the Millennium Ring picture] And he took it home to a cave and lived there for a long long time. He called the Ring "My precioussss" a lot because it was his favoritest thing ever because it was goldish and shiny. But then a stupid, short, ugly little person named Soloman who looked like a BLOWFISH came and stoled it away from him! Blast those hobbitses for stealing Ryou's precious Ring!   
A long time passed and Soloman killed a dragon and other stuff that no one cares about and then went to retire and write a book because he was old and senile and no one wanted to go on adventures with him anymore. So he gave the Ring to an even shorter, even stupider little person named Yugi. Yugi didn't look like a blowfish, though, he looked like a buggy-eyed, short, ankle-biting Chihuahua, the kind that half-kill themselves jumping off your couch. The kind of dogs that you just want to dropkick! And Ryou wanted to dropkick the uglier, shorter, stupider hobbit because HE now had the Ring and it wasn't even his to have! A great wizardess named Isis came to him one day and told him he was in great danger, because the evil Lord Malik wanted the Ring back and he was sending his Rare Hunters after Yugi so he could gain its evil powers! The Rare Hunters rode rotting black horses and they were all cloaked because all of them were ugly. People with no self-esteem are great for mind-slaves, and since Lord Malik could mess with people's heads with his Ancient Buddhist Stick, he controlled them all like puppets! But that's okay, because no one feels bad for them. At least Ryou doesn't, because that evil Lord Malik guy was after his precious too! So Yugi ganged up with two freakishly tall people from the race of freakishly short hobbits, and their names were Tea and Tristan. His bestest friend went too, and his name was Mokuba…who was almost as short as he was, if you didn't include Yugi's stupid spiky head! But Tea was annoying and slutty and no one liked her but the rest of the stupid people who traveled with Yugi. Tea ranted about friendship a lot. It made Ryou want to hurt her. The hobbit named Tristan had a big pointy head that could stab people! And he was a very UGLY and MEAN freakishly-tall person from the freakishly-short race of hobbits.   
They passed a lot of scenery in Ireland that no one cares about and traveled all the way to where the elves lived. But elves are cooler than hobbits and usually use them as footstools, so they weren't too happy. But since the world was in danger and all, they decided to help. By help, I mean they sent their coolest and best bow-slinging elven archer with them, and his name was Duke Devlin. He threw dice at people too, which made no sense to anyone. They weren't even magic exploding dice! Dukie didn't want to go with them because he hated short people, especially ones with big buggy eyes that look like drop-kick dogs in bondage. And he really didn't want to go with them because he had to travel with a short, grumpy dwarf named Mako. No one knew why Mako loved the water because dwarves had short legs and they couldn't swim. In fact, they sank like rocks. Also along with them was a ranger dude named Joey and his brother Seto, but no one knew they were brothers except them. And no one cared, because neither of them are important to the plot! Ryou decided to follow them and help too, but only because he wanted his precioussss back. Everyone was so mean to Ryou that he wanted to leave, but he stayed in order to get his Millennium Ring back. They only kept him around because he knew the way to the big fiery volcano with twin towers where Lord Malik lived. Although there are no towers there anymore because I think some guy from where Malik lives crashed planes into them for some stupid reason. So Malik beat him to death with his Ancient Buddhist Stick! And blood splattered everywhere from his crushed skull and made pretty patterns on the floor! So Malik left the pretty blood splatter patterns there and they're part of the décor to this day!   
Meanwhile, the great wizardess Isis went to see her other great wizard friend named Risid. But Risid was allied with Lord Malik and he beat the crap out of Isis with pretty shiny magic spells and locked her in a tower that didn't even have a dragon to guard it like in Shrek! That's okay though, because a big birdie came to rescue her and then she went the join the very-big group of adventurers. Yugi had gotten himself attacked by the Rare Hunters and he was dying! Yay! No one wanted Yugi to live. In fact, some people think that Duke actually shot him but no one said anything and no one really cared either way. But a beautiful elf named Mai decided to rescue him. Bad Mai. She only did it because she was in love with Joey, even though Joey was stupid. Then they faced the greatest terror of all - a huge army of mutant Kuri--- SCARY UNDEAD MUTANT KURIBOHS! And Seto was scared because he HATED Kuribohs, but especially SCARY UNDEAD MUTANT KURIBOHS that rotted and growled and snarled and were eight feet tall! A bunch of them attacked and Seto and Joey died, but Seto didn't really die, because somehow they dragged him out of the river later. Even though there was no river where he died. So only Joey died. And no one was sad, because Mai really didn't want to give up eternity for him anyway. He wasn't worth not going on the nifty elven ship! Meanwhile, the SCARY UNDEAD MUTANT KURIBOHS kidnapped Tristan and Tea. That made a lot of people happy, especially Ryou. But the Kuribohs were killed by some big old tree guys called truants! The truants got mad at the two stupid, ugly, freakishly-tall hobbits for invading their forest, anyway. They didn't like the ugly annoying girl who ranted about friendship, but they especially hated the one with the pointy head because he looked like a woodpecker and they hate woodpeckers! So they smashed them up and bludgeoned the not-so little hobbits into goo! [Ryou fervently stabs the paper with a crayon like he's killing Tristan on the comic sheet] Dead dead dead! Smash went the hobbits! And blood oooozed all over the place! And the truants had fertilizer! Yay! So more people died in the movie already!   
Okay, so now the people traveled over snow, and swamps, and lots of boring stuff for a really long time. And Lord Malik sent his army of SCARY UNDEAD MUTANT KURIBOHS after them again! But the stupid, vertically-challenged buggy-eyed bondage Chihuahua couldn't do anything as far as fighting went so everyone else did it for him. And Seto who was NOT dead because they found him in the river (so ha!) called his friend the pretty shiny Blue Eyes White Dragon - which looked silver to Ryou and not white- after all the Kuribohs! But it didn't work and they blew up a Kuriboh instead, and then it started a chain reaction that consumed everything in a FLAMING INFERNO OF DEATH! [Ryou scribbles all over everything with a read crayon] Death and fire and destruction! Weeeeee, everyone dies! ---Oh wait! They have to meet the bad guy first…okay, so no one but the Kuribohs died. And then they went on and traveled to Mount Battle City near a volcano where there USED to be two towers but now they were all gone - and there they met the evil Lord Malik! And then evil Lord Malik told Isis something that shocked her. He said, "Isis, I am your FA--- BROTHER!" And she screamed "Nooooooooooooooo!" For a really long time. Then when she was busy saying nooooo, he pointed his Ancient Buddhist Stick at them and made them all beat each other up! Then Ryou ran over to Lord Malik and grabbed his Ancient Buddhist stick and smacked him in the head with it and knocked him out! Hahaha! Bludgeoning weapons! [Ryou draws a splatter of blood on the paper near Lord Malik's head] Then he made the big scary wizard named Risid drag everybody over to the volcano and THEN all the hero people died in a RAGING INFERNO OF DEATH! [Ryou scribbles in red again, covering the whole paper in…stuff] Burning, melting, gooey liquid fire! Wheee, lava! Lava everywhere! And they were incinerated all to nothing! Except Kaiba and Duke, because Ryou let them live because elves are cool and Isis liked Kaiba a lot, and since Isis was Lord Malik's sister, she had to live too. So Ryou got his Ring back and helped Lord Malik rule the world! Yaaay! And everyone was either dead or really miserable, except the elves, because they all got smart and left on their Skyboat. And Isis married Kaiba and lived in their dark and dreary castle happily ever after! And all the stupid freakishly-short people (even the freakishly-tall freakishly-short people) died slowly and terribly because they were the race that spawned the idiots who stole Ryou's precioussss and started the whole stupid thing! And Soloman got his heart and lungs and intestines ripped out and Ryou tacked them on the wall like a big smiley face! The intestines were the mouth and the heart and lungs made the eyes and it was PRETTY! That'll show that blowfish! YAAAAAAAY HAPPY END! [Bakura, Yami, and Malik, who'd been standing in the doorway watching Ryou, exchange worried glances and leave. Yami whispers, "He forgot his medication again, didn't he?" to Bakura, who nods. They go off to find Ryou's straitjacket while Malik grumbles that his Item is NOT an "Ancient Buddhist Stick." THE END]   
  
  



End file.
